During then and at other times when my desire to attend would obviously remain just that, I consoled myself that it wasn't for me. Somethings aren't meant to be, not for us, not what we need, not in the plan for our spiritual path - so its been with me and Vipassana.
Since my father's hemorrhage I have tried to incorporate Vipassana philosophy into my caregiving and pretty much everyday being. Days like today are particularly good practice days. Our nurse has gone for a few days to attend a wedding and I have taken over her role. Today is just day two and I already feel closer to Nirvana than ever before.
Strangely when there is no help my father will develop some issue for the day. Its stomach upset this time. I've cleaned motion and changed diapers almost 4 times of which three times I gave him enema. The challenging part is not to know the cause of the problem and the solution for it. Also, he is not too adept at swallowing, this normally doubles the eating time and two hands are insufficient to clean his simultaneous secretions from trachea, mouth and nose when he aspirates or coughs. Since he coughed most of the night last night, I bathed (sun bath, spine bath, regular bath), fed, changed, brushed and cleaned him in a sleep deprived stupor.
There is this zone, a thin stage that hangs in between all the physical and mental exhaustion, when body parts are numb, mind no longer wants to worry or think, when nothing seems to really matter. This silver sweet zone as I call it makes all the past slights and disappointments a faded memory and apprehensions on future a futile thought. No one or nothing seems wrong. Every thought and movement is on present. There is a Zen like acceptance to things. This is my Vippassana meditation.